audrey :)

The worst feeling in the world?
Well, is having to know that the person is lying to you even when you know the truth.

Just when I thought you honestly cared,
You proved me otherwise.

Thank you.

It's ok audrey,
You're just not needed and wanted that's all.
It's ok.

Keep calm audrey, and no matter how hard it is, ignore it.

Just keep calm, and ignore.

Easier said than done.

Jealousy, is like a green monster that is invisible yet so powerful at the same time. 
At times, it eats your little angel up and well pretty much takes over your kind calm feeling. 
It is one green monster that is difficult to control. 
I hate the feeling of being jealous. 
Jealous of what you people have that I don't. 
Jealous of the attention you get that I don't. 
Jealous of you being able to do something which I can't. 
Jealous of the people you have. 
Jealous of pretty much everything. 
Jealous that you will not and probably never know the feeling of jealousy. 
Sometimes green monsters chooses their own targets. 
And well I guess I'm his most favorite target. 
I'm working on it. 
Sometimes I get so tired of being jealous that I let those words go in through one ear and come out through the other. 
I'll just keep my mouth shut cause I know nothing I say will change anything. 
I wonder, if you would ever survive an hour if you were me. 
Truth is, you won't survive even a minute of being me. 

Sometimes I just wonder, who really care, and who are just pure plain curious.
I don't open up to people easily, yet when sometimes when someone asks if I'm alright, I just pour everything out, almost every problem that I have, but stop when I realised that I have complained a little to much.
Everyone has their little problems, and well, I have mine too.
When I complain, I don't expect the other party to do anything amazing. However, sometimes I just wish the other party will be so kind as to at least comfort me a little and not make things worse.
Now, I'll just have to choose the right people to complain to. Because there are some who just makes things worse when I make a small complain.
I complain, because I just want someone to either help me find a solution, or to just be there to listen and make me feel better.
I listen to people's complains, I help them, I comfort them.
But none of them would bother listening to my complain.
Keeping it all inside isn't making me feel any better as well.
Sometimes every part of my body, including my heart, just hurts so much that I wish I could, not die, but to just forget everything and start all over with the person I love.
I often self praise myself, just to make myself feel better.
I lie to myself, cause at least I won't be feeling so miserable.
I admit, my self-esteem is low, and it just keeps getting lower cause well, everyone needs compliments. Be it looks or studies, all of us needs compliments.
I miss those times when you gave me sweet words and actually meant them.
I miss those times when we only had to fight against time.
It wasn't good times, cause we were so physically far away.
But it was happy times.

I walked away, because I was sad, afraid, irritated, hurt.
I walked away, and waited, just to see if you cared.
I waited, to see how much i really mean to you.
I waited, to see how much you cared.
I waited, to see if you remembered me.
I waited, to see what you would do.
I waited, to see if i could count on you to be there.
I waited, to see what kind of person you are.
I waited, to see if I mattered to you.
I waited, to see if you would hold me back.
I waited, to see if I was your priority.

But I realised, that I was a fool.
I was acting like a child.
I was being childish.
I was being foolish.
I was being stupid.
I was in the wrong.
I should never have left when I wanted to be there so badly.
I should never have left when I know all odds were crashing down on me.
I should never have left when I knew that you were irritated.
I should never have left when I knew I would get nothing out of this.

Deep down, I knew you wouldn't do anything.
I was stupid to have left.

And now, here I am now, with my hands full of problems, with nothing to hold on to but regrets.
Regrets of not being there.
But one thing I know I will never ever regret, is spending that vast amount of time with you.

I'm sad, because I wish there's no such thing as death.
I'm sad, because I wish no one would leave.
I'm sad, because there's nothing I can do when I see the people I love, suffer.
I'm sad, because I feel useless.
I'm sad, because I have a horrible temper.
I'm sad, because I wish you were here with me now.
I'm sad, because there's so many things I wanted to tell you today, but did not have the chance to because of my childishness.

I'm hurt, because you let me go.
I'm hurt, because I feel no place in you.
I'm hurt, because I'm sad.
I'm hurt, because I don't understand how you can don't care.
I'm hurt, because you didn't come after me.

I'm afraid, that you'll leave me.
I'm afraid, that you'll leave without a word.
I'm afraid, that you'll give up on me.
I'm afraid, that I'll never have you again.
I'm afraid, that I'll never have you back.
I'm afraid, that I'll mean nothing anymore.
I'm afraid, that I'll take you for granted.
I'm afraid, that you'll take me for granted.
I'm afraid, of being afraid.

I'm foolish, because I don't think about the end result before doing anything.
I'm foolish, because I left.
I'm foolish, because I made a fool of myself.

I wonder, what you're thinking.
I wonder, if you bother.
I wonder, if you really treat this as if nothing happened.

What if, you don't care at all.
What if, you think that I'm a nuisance
What if, you really let go.
What if, I mean nothing at all.

Having spent so much time with you, almost every thing I do, reminds me of what we did.
Everywhere in my room, has memories of you. Has things that you gave me.

I thank you, for all that you have done.
I thank you, for your love.
I thank you, for your time.
I thank you, for putting up with my nonsense.
I thank you, for putting up with my temper.
I thank you, for taking care of me.
I thank you, for cooking delicious food for me.
I thank you, for being there for me.
I thank you, for listening to me.
I thank you, for not losing your temper on me.
I thank you, for not hitting me.
I thank you, for smiling at me.
I thank you, for playing with the three little softies.
I thank you, for noticing when I wanted something though I said no.
I thank you, for making me happy.
I thank you, for choosing me.
I thank you, for forgiving me.
I thank you, for teaching me new things.
I thank you, for hello kitties.
I thank you, for pictures.
I thank you, for memories.
I thank you, for everything.

Say I'm over thinking.
I don't care.
I may be over exaggerating some things.
But this is my space.
This are the words I have always wanted to say.
But have never managed to get them out.
There are many more I want to add.
But it may start to seem that I'm writing a note to someone who's leaving.
I count my blessings every night.
Call me holy, I don't care.
Cause right now, I'm thankful for everything I have.
And if you were gone, it would be like a missing puzzle piece, like a missing hello kitty, like a missing heart.

Dear laoya poks, I miss you.
And so does miss angel, mr alexis, and little gou gou.

I just don't get it.
I don't understand how they can hook up with someone, satisfy their needs, and just throw the someone aside thereafter.
I don't understand how they do it.
How they can just be so...... heartless.
Such people shouldn't exist.
A complete take up space in society.

It's really an eye opener coming to this new school. I met all sorts of people, and had many first impressions. Sometimes I wonder what everyone goes through in life. I wonder if have they ever felt alone before, or if they are always with someone and are those kind of happy go lucky kind. Sometimes seeing others happy makes me sad. I will start wondering, why is it that they can be so happy and lucky to be surrounded by wonderful people, while me, am just me. I'm not anti social or any of that sort. Sometimes when I'm down, I just don't like people to be around me and start asking all sorts of useless questions. Sometimes I just wish that someone will be there to just accompany me. I wonder what if feels like to be irresistibly attractive. I wonder what it feels like to be surrounded by wonderful people. I wonder what it feels like to be rich. I wonder what it feels like to be smart. I wonder what it feels like to have all of the above, and that is - beautiful, rich, smart. Sometimes there are times I love being me. Yet there are times I just wish that I was someone else. Sometimes looks can pretty much say much about someone. We are constantly judging those people who are judging someone else cause we know that it is not right to judge someone else. Then again, no one said that it is wrong to judge someone. It's all a personal opinion. We just have to see it from a different perspective. Sometimes I just wish I could sleep days away and when I wake up again, I'll be someone else. I wish I could just shop on and on and on without having to stop. I wish I could pick out anything from any store without having to worry about price. I wish I could just go to a different country where no one knows me and just start a whole new life there. Sometimes I would just prefer if someone doesn't know about my past. However, sometimes I just wish that someone knows every little detail about me so that I won't have to explain myself when I do something. There are times too when I wish that someone could just read my mind so that I don't have to say what I want to say. Back to talking about school, it's only the first week of school and we're having presentations almost everyday. Though we have different groups each time, I'm somehow always the one doing the powerpoint slides. One day I'll just become the most expert powerpoint slide making person. I need to stop being so shy, Though I'm not doing what I really want to do now, I still hope that I'll be able to do really well for this course. I want to prove to many people that I can do it. I screwed up once, I don't want to screw up again. I'll never forget the look they gave me when they knew I screwed it up. Horrible feeling. Horrible people.

Sigh.

First day of school was kinda blah. Spaced out for a minute or two while facilitator was talking. Met all sorts of people. Friendly people. Though this is just the beginning, I can't wait for it to end. School just drains me out, completely. Hardly any energy left.
Please, know what you did wrongly and know what you should change.
Thanks and much appreciated.